My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
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SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.