(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
How about I get 100% off by already being there
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
23. the denim jacket
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”