People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table