“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
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[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?