i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming