Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
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[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles