No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
#SaturdayBears
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before