I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
🤣😂🤣
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him