Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.