Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl