[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.