Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My dad is at it again
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Bruh PLEASE
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?