God has abandoned us.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works