We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”