If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car