(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
oh shit
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
A new level of troll.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea