my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.