As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
😜
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.