I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”