Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
You Might Also Like
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.