Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*