There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Need WebMD
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do