Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
✌️
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I’m not lazy
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright