Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.