I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Oh. My. God.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.