My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Peace was never an option
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee