dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.