All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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I saw nothing
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
The only equipped I am is ill.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so