I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
wish me luck lads
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.