Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
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[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
OMG 🤣🤣
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Okay me first
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now