Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
describing stardew valley
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.