friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”