I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”