He just like my cat fr
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.