My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Ok but actually
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?