I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce