the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
technically true but not a great slogan
The Backseat Boys
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Buck naked
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.