GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
so i’m at the stock market right
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.