captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
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socratic questions
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.