I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Only short people can save us
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO