Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?