*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Basketball games are very squeaky.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready