a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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I’m Sold!
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.