god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.