My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry