My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.