[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no