Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first