[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
can I use a minion as a tampon
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.