We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what